Another Failed Cycle....

but honestly that's not a surprise. I just am not sure how much more I can handle. I have really been down on the whole process the last few days. I need to call the dr. on Mon to induce a period but I may wait. To be honest I don't want the rollercoaster ride again. I truly think taking a break made it worse. Why am I not rip roarin ready to go again? I really would not wish this on my worst enemy, no one should have to deal with the pain of infertility. Forget actually trying to plan for anything, take away the fact you have certain things that have to be done on certain days there is no money left. I have to apologize right away for the fact that my thoughts are all over the place and I can't concentrate on anything. Maybe it's just time to say "goodnight" and pick this up when I can make more sense!

Why am I such a B!tch?

I have really been bitchy this cycle. I mean really bad. Yesterday at the grocery store I yelled at some people in the parking lot. They were waiting for a car to pull out of a parking space and I thought it was quite inconsiderate that they were taking up the whole lane and I couldn't get through. I honked at them and they put on their blinker to let me know they were waiting on that stall. Well obviously I didn't think I needed to wait on them and why should I have to sit there and wait on them. When they finally pulled into the stall I rolled down my window and asked them "Was it really necessary for you to take up the whole parking lot?" The lady in the passanger seat had her jaw drop to the ground in disbelief. The store was a complete mad house so I am almost sure that just added to my frustrations. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and don't know how to handle it. It just has to be all these hormones. They are almost foreign to my body since mine own don't operate the way they should.

Well this cycle will be coming to an end soon, if no AF by next weekend anyway. Then we will be able to do it all over again. I just want it to end already.

On a good note we are about 4 1/2 months out on our house!!!! Our mortgage company is starting to gather all the paperwork we are going to need for closing. She re-ran DH's credit report and scores are up so we qualify for discounted pmi. I really can't wait to get into this house. Everything brand spankin new. And so much more room. We feel the walls closing in everyday in our current home.

The power of friendship

I met my friend Tarah through the nest. This journey is the hardest path I have ever had to take. It is so nice not to go it alone. I like to think we are able to draw strength from each other through this. If I can take away anything from this terrible point in my life, I have a new friend. Someday our children will play together and I hope they never have to know what it took for us to get them here. You really don't get it unless you go through it. It brings up the old adage of "Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes." I suppose in a lot of ways I never really thought too much about that. Until now.

You hear so often: "Just relax, it will happen", " Don't stress about it"', "Just quit thinking about it and it will happen". When you have a medical condition there is no way possible any of these things will help. You are given medication after medication and it still doesn't work. Then there are all the procedures when the medications won't work. When is enough-enough? How long can you live your life dealing on "what ifs"?

Tarah and I met another nestie for lunch today and wouldn't ya know it there was a baby shower set up in the next room. I think I have seen more pregnant people today than I have in the last month. As of this moment I am not feeling bitterness that would be too strong of a word. I will admit though I was extremely jealous. Then I get home and have an invitation to a baby shower for a friend who tried for 4yrs to get pregnant. I understand they went through a lot but it still stung a little. But that does not take away how truly happy I am for them. I just try and remember that good things do happen to good people. I try and keep it in perspective that there is hope.

I felt like hell today at our luncheon, but it is so good to be around "people like me". It's kinda funny we all walk around with a pharmacy in our purses! You bond of the horrible side effects of all the medications and which day you are on in your cycle. What happened to the days of talking about designer clothes and celebrity gossip. It just goes to show you, that in this life you can't take anything for granted. And on that note, I say I hope that for everything we are going through it will truly make us amazing and better parents because of this.

Attack of the neices and nephews!

So my youngest neices 3rd birthday was yesterday. Sometimes it is harder to be around them than a baby. They talk and tell you that they love you. They always want you to play.

So Brea had tons of presents and didn't even stop to have the cards read to her! She opened them and looked at them and just handed them to my sister in law. Well the amazing thing is I told her I had made her a card special for her, and asked if she had seen it yet. She walked over to the pile of cards and picked right up the one I made her. I don't think she even knows which gift I gave her but she knew the card. I was in shock.

I was talking to one of my sister in laws friends and she asked if any of the kids there were mine. Innocent question at a party full of kids. It burned a little and I had to tell her no. Her little girl was adorable, she is in my 5yr old nephews class and she was just drawn to me all night. I would be sitting there and she would grab my hand to go look and these overgrown flying grasshoppers. I hate bugs, can't stand the thought of them and here I was being tugged by this little girl and I willing went to stare and the grasshoppers with her. Even when it involves something I am actually terrified of I can't tell these kids "NO".

I have had such a horrible day today. I went overdrawn in the checkbook, almost ruined dinner and still no positive OPK. I think this cycle is going to be a lost cause. I will then be looking at 100mg of Clomid right in the face. 50mg isn't so bad but for me 100mg is brutal. I can't even imagine when I have to have a higher dose. All I can say right now is my poor husband.