Being Thankful......

For what I have rather than what I don't have. I got up this morning and felt a little sense of peace today. I don't know if it is because Thanksgiving is this week, but I am grateful to feel this way even if it is only for today. I can't even put into words how wonderful my life actually is. I know I don't have a job right now (the prospects are Very Good) and we don't have a baby yet, but there are so many other things to be happy about.

Our house will be done in just over 2 months! This has been an exciting week for us in that regard. It is completely up and framed. We are actually able to walk through OUR house. It will be getting windows and the roof shingled in the next week or two. We are so happy it will all be enclosed before the first snow. I say this and we will have a freak snow storm this week!

My husband is a wonderful man. I sometimes wonder how I ended up so lucky, what did I do to deserve someone this good? He always corrects me when I say "if we have kids" he gets a little upset and says "no, When we have kids". I absolutely love that he has that much faith that we will have children. He is such a wonderful partner in this thing we call life. Being temporarily unemployed I get pretty down and he is my biggest cheerleader and encourages me to not just settle on a job just for the sake of having one. He wants me to get the one that is right for me.

My doggies Mocha and Jezzebelle. They are just the light of my life. I know most people say that about their kids, LOL! They are so funny and expressive, they each truly have their own personalities that's for sure. They totally love us unconditionally and we could not imagine our lives without them. They are pit bulls and are so misunderstood and that is sad. I believe though that not everyone is equipped to have one and that is why we end up with such horrible situations involving them. When it comes to such a powerful animal there truly needs to be a special class and license given so that not just any Joe Schmo can have one. Then maybe the whole "status symbol" stigma would go away. I also think alot of people in general are just irresposible when it comes to their animals and it irritates me. Your dog is NOT your babysitter, you do not leave a child alone with an animal!!! I know this is a little rant for another time, actually I go through it every time anyone asks what kind of dogs we have. I love my Mochalicous (sp?) and Jezzy!!

My family. We have so many quirks as a family, but damnit we love each other! And I have to categorize my friends in this equation, because they are my Chosen family. I am so fortunate to know some amazing people. When the chips are down they all rally for support. My mom is so selfless and sometimes I really forgot about that until the last few years. She is helping my youngest brother Blaine raise his kids. Now in her early 50's she should be finally living her life her way and she is back to raising kids. But you know she would do it for any of us if she knew we were not able to do it on our own. In a lot of ways my brother takes advantage but my mom puts up with it to make sure the kids have a good loving home, clothes on their backs and food on the table. My brothers xwife is a white trash mess who did not take care of her kids. So they are now in an enviornment where they are able to grow and thrive, and for that I am thankful.
I just reconnected with my dad and he has a new wife who is a really nice lady. I really like my dad alot as a person. I am sad it took such a long time to put the hurt aside and just be a family. My brother Bill and I did not talk to him for 12 years. There were alot of misunderstandings on both sides and we all just let it go. I think it takes so much less energy to forgive than to hang on to negative things. I really missed having my dad in my life, he missed my wedding, and I know Bill missed him too with the births of his children. Well no dwelling...just be thankful for now!

We have lost a few people over the last 4 years and miss them terribly. Just when you think you can live with it, something reminds you of them, or something pops up that you would just love to tell them. Such is life I suppose.

Oh and an update on the new baby. She was born on Thursday at 3:30 pm and her name is Sophia. This is all the information I have. It was passed between men so I think the only reason I actually have the name is because I knew about it beforehand! As women exchanging info we get much more descriptive. I wanted to know if she had any hair but I knew my husband wouldn't know. LOL

Wow this really got to be quite long. I just really need to remember how good life is sometimes. Now tomorrow I could go a totally different direction, but for today, this is how I feel.

A new baby will be arriving...

sometime today anyway. Our friends who suffered IF for 4yrs, are having their baby today. I am sooooo happy for them. But, and yes there always seems to be a BUT these days, I am a little sad. Now I am going to have to hold this baby, I don't hold babies these days. I told them when they found out they were pg I would make an exception for theirs. I think I was just so happy for them I did not realize what I was saying. Maybe they forgot I said that?

So I have a job interview tomorrow, very excited. I also have one on Monday, also very excited. It sucks being at home. I am going insane, entirely too much time to think. I have been getting ornaments done though. I think I am doing about 35 or so this year.

I got ropped into cooking Thanksgiving this year. I just want Rick to be able to hang out at home and relax a little bit. It is definately better than trying to make the rounds, we have that to look forward to for Christmas. Next year will be so much nicer, we will be in the new house and everyone can just come there. When we get both of our families together it is pretty fun. There has not been much tradition but we have been attempting to create them over the last few years.

Well for now that's about it, I will add more about the baby when I find out!

Currently Unemployed

Yup you heard right. For about a week now. The company was great and so were the people, I just hated the job. So much so, I was not eating and making myself sick. Not a good way to be. So once again the job hunt is on. I have faith that one will come along, and one that I like. I tried so hard to like this job, and talk myself into doing it everyday, it just didn't work.

Other than the job situation there is nothing new. How boring is that? We went to the game on Saturday, it was painful to say the least. So excited about the AD being fired, then being replaced by Dr. Tom! A little bit of class was restored in our football program along with pride and true caring about the program and university. Now we just have to make some coaching changes. So this is completely off topic for this blog, but I do have to remind myself that I have other thing going on in my life other than TTC.

TTC consumes so much of your life and I guess I just didn't realize how much until this break. We took a short term break awhile ago but it was different. I don't know why, maybe it's because there are other options that are so open to us. Anyway, it's a subject we are letting lie for awhile. It just becomes way to painful.

Re-Evaluation of Things

It's been a few weeks since I wrote anything. Mostly due to another failed cycle, and we were not so sure where to go from here. There are so many new things going on right now and I had gotten to a point where I was having trouble keeping it all straight. We have made a few decisions to take some of the pressure off.

Currently I am studying to get my brokers license and have to pass to keep my job. Said job is new so that has been a big adjustment. It is the most challenging job I have ever had. I am not saying that is bad... just different. I actually use my brain, it has been dormant for so long that I thought it didn't work anymore!! LOL Just kidding. I can't wait to have all of this studying and pressure over.

Currently our house is scheduled to be done Feb 7, 2008, Yep! that's my 35th birthday. I have been dreading turning 35. Maybe if I already had kids I wouldn't feel this way, actually I know I wouldn't. It just adds all this extra pressure do to my age, like time is running out. I know that it isn't it just makes things a little difficult.

Anyway, we have decided to hold off for now on the baby project. Just until I get licensed and know that I won't have to find another job. That could pose to be difficult if I am pregnant. I have to make sure I have a good job for this house, Rick can't do it all on his own and we are a team. We have seriously also been talking adoption. Not as in 'if" but when.

My friend Tarah has told me about an agency that if you volunteer the process is basically free. The only thing is, you have to be married 3yrs and we are at the 1 1/2 mark. So when we hit that mark we will be adopting whether or not we get pregnant. We know there are so many children who need parents to love them. At this point though that is the goal, to be parents. Yes I will morn the loss of possibly never being pregnant, but the end result will be the same. I will be a mommy.

Another Failed Cycle....

but honestly that's not a surprise. I just am not sure how much more I can handle. I have really been down on the whole process the last few days. I need to call the dr. on Mon to induce a period but I may wait. To be honest I don't want the rollercoaster ride again. I truly think taking a break made it worse. Why am I not rip roarin ready to go again? I really would not wish this on my worst enemy, no one should have to deal with the pain of infertility. Forget actually trying to plan for anything, take away the fact you have certain things that have to be done on certain days there is no money left. I have to apologize right away for the fact that my thoughts are all over the place and I can't concentrate on anything. Maybe it's just time to say "goodnight" and pick this up when I can make more sense!

Why am I such a B!tch?

I have really been bitchy this cycle. I mean really bad. Yesterday at the grocery store I yelled at some people in the parking lot. They were waiting for a car to pull out of a parking space and I thought it was quite inconsiderate that they were taking up the whole lane and I couldn't get through. I honked at them and they put on their blinker to let me know they were waiting on that stall. Well obviously I didn't think I needed to wait on them and why should I have to sit there and wait on them. When they finally pulled into the stall I rolled down my window and asked them "Was it really necessary for you to take up the whole parking lot?" The lady in the passanger seat had her jaw drop to the ground in disbelief. The store was a complete mad house so I am almost sure that just added to my frustrations. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and don't know how to handle it. It just has to be all these hormones. They are almost foreign to my body since mine own don't operate the way they should.

Well this cycle will be coming to an end soon, if no AF by next weekend anyway. Then we will be able to do it all over again. I just want it to end already.

On a good note we are about 4 1/2 months out on our house!!!! Our mortgage company is starting to gather all the paperwork we are going to need for closing. She re-ran DH's credit report and scores are up so we qualify for discounted pmi. I really can't wait to get into this house. Everything brand spankin new. And so much more room. We feel the walls closing in everyday in our current home.

The power of friendship

I met my friend Tarah through the nest. This journey is the hardest path I have ever had to take. It is so nice not to go it alone. I like to think we are able to draw strength from each other through this. If I can take away anything from this terrible point in my life, I have a new friend. Someday our children will play together and I hope they never have to know what it took for us to get them here. You really don't get it unless you go through it. It brings up the old adage of "Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes." I suppose in a lot of ways I never really thought too much about that. Until now.

You hear so often: "Just relax, it will happen", " Don't stress about it"', "Just quit thinking about it and it will happen". When you have a medical condition there is no way possible any of these things will help. You are given medication after medication and it still doesn't work. Then there are all the procedures when the medications won't work. When is enough-enough? How long can you live your life dealing on "what ifs"?

Tarah and I met another nestie for lunch today and wouldn't ya know it there was a baby shower set up in the next room. I think I have seen more pregnant people today than I have in the last month. As of this moment I am not feeling bitterness that would be too strong of a word. I will admit though I was extremely jealous. Then I get home and have an invitation to a baby shower for a friend who tried for 4yrs to get pregnant. I understand they went through a lot but it still stung a little. But that does not take away how truly happy I am for them. I just try and remember that good things do happen to good people. I try and keep it in perspective that there is hope.

I felt like hell today at our luncheon, but it is so good to be around "people like me". It's kinda funny we all walk around with a pharmacy in our purses! You bond of the horrible side effects of all the medications and which day you are on in your cycle. What happened to the days of talking about designer clothes and celebrity gossip. It just goes to show you, that in this life you can't take anything for granted. And on that note, I say I hope that for everything we are going through it will truly make us amazing and better parents because of this.

Attack of the neices and nephews!

So my youngest neices 3rd birthday was yesterday. Sometimes it is harder to be around them than a baby. They talk and tell you that they love you. They always want you to play.

So Brea had tons of presents and didn't even stop to have the cards read to her! She opened them and looked at them and just handed them to my sister in law. Well the amazing thing is I told her I had made her a card special for her, and asked if she had seen it yet. She walked over to the pile of cards and picked right up the one I made her. I don't think she even knows which gift I gave her but she knew the card. I was in shock.

I was talking to one of my sister in laws friends and she asked if any of the kids there were mine. Innocent question at a party full of kids. It burned a little and I had to tell her no. Her little girl was adorable, she is in my 5yr old nephews class and she was just drawn to me all night. I would be sitting there and she would grab my hand to go look and these overgrown flying grasshoppers. I hate bugs, can't stand the thought of them and here I was being tugged by this little girl and I willing went to stare and the grasshoppers with her. Even when it involves something I am actually terrified of I can't tell these kids "NO".

I have had such a horrible day today. I went overdrawn in the checkbook, almost ruined dinner and still no positive OPK. I think this cycle is going to be a lost cause. I will then be looking at 100mg of Clomid right in the face. 50mg isn't so bad but for me 100mg is brutal. I can't even imagine when I have to have a higher dose. All I can say right now is my poor husband.

Here goes nothing.....

Well everyone says you need an outlet and this is my attempt at that. I am really starting to wonder if having a baby is in the cards for us. It shouldn't be so difficult, you grow up, get married and start a family. Not so. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in April. Is it easier knowing what is wrong? I honestly can't answer that because I just feel broken. My body doesn't want to work the way it is supposed to.

I sit here on cycle day 17 and no positive OPK. Will it come later? Possibly. Do I think it will? No. I just think the Clomid does nothing for me. The one year mark of TTC (trying to conceive) has come and gone. At this moment I am not sure how I feel about that. I knew there would be trouble, but my doctor was so positive it would only take a few months. We are still in the beginnig stages of this journey, so many have gone through so much more and still have not reached their goal. Will I be one of those? I can't say, I still like to think that I have hope.